Happy Festivus

Happy Festivus from Team Seamen. I am blogging live from the home of
Anthony Turkevich, MD. This is the familes annual celebration of our
nations glorious independence. I'm joined here by fellow SEAMEN
member Jeff T. and contributing author Mark L., as well as
Matt and DJ O. and the always stunning Meagan L.

Joining the group late were Amanda T. and Andrew C. After
that Tricia T. showed up, shortly after that the booze started
flowing. Mark L. and myself indulged ourselves due to Jeff's
questionable family "appereance" he has abstained.

The event featured a water slide, pool, double highstriker, badmitton,
horseshoes, cornhole and washers. The bar was stocked with nothing
but topshelf and a fridge filled with premium beers.

Festivus is the family get-together to end all get-togethers.

I am currently sitting at a table playing poker with family and family
friends.

A truly great event with friends and family.

David Caruso

Props to Bailey Parkerson for sending us this video. It is 7 minutes of David Caruso being a douchebag.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Live Blog

Team Seamen is blogging live from Bo's bar in Tuscaloosa. We are here
with fellow seamen Mark L. and Boyd A. Mark is enjoying
his appletini and the rest of us are enjoying a variety of beverages
served up by our favorite bartender Lane, her tits are
looking amazing tonight. Also noteworthy Boyd is sending sexually
suggestive text messages to Kaitlin Bentley, whose mass is equal to
that of the oil in the gulf.

Winner Announced

BIRMINGHAM- The pageant has concluded and Ashley Davis has been named
as the 2010 Miss Alabama. Shellie Street, Miss University of Alabama,
was named first runner-up.

UPDATE 2:45AM- Team SEAMEN may be responsible for Shellie Street's second place finish. Street won two preliminaries, Miss Alabama Ashley Davis only won one. The obnoxiously loud "Roll Tide" might have cost her the crown.

Shellie Street, 1st Runner Up

Miss University of Alabama

Intermission

BIRMINGHAM- It is intermission in the Wright Center. The talent
portion has concluded and so has the evening gown competition, which
wrapped up with a thunderous "Roll Tide" in a silent theater while Miss University of Alabama, Shellie Street, walked across the stage. The yell came from SEAMEN member, Stephen R., much to the dismay of the entire audience.

Also noteworthy- Call me Captain Ahab because I just spotted Mary Beth Williams in the audience.

UPDATE 10:30PM: Andrew C., dating 2008 Miss Alabama, SEAMEN Sister, Amanda T., commented afterwards that "there was dead silence in the auditorium and then out of nowhere, as she gracefully walked in front of the judges, a loud 'Roll Tide' It sounded like something straight out of a Rodney Dangerfield movie." Amanda T. when asked if she could hear it commented, "It was ridiculously loud." Amanda T. was seated in the fourth row, Team Seamen was in the top of the balcony.

Live from Miss Alabama

Team Seamen is blogging live from the Wright Center on the campus of
Samford University in Birmingham,Al. The team broke in using
alternative methods, corridors, and buildings to avoid paying the $30
ticket price. Our seats are in the top of the balcony and are dicey
at best. We're glad we didn't pay because this is definitely not worth
it. The "talent" portion is worse than the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.

Top Ten- Better Than Roy Moore

There is a problem in Alabama- it is Roy Moore. He is currently running in the Republican Primary on the platform of Jesus.

Team Seamen has compiled a list of the Top 10 people we would rather have as Governor than Roy Moore.

10. Kim Jong Ill

9. Andrew Whitaker

8. George W. Bush

7. Joran Van Der Sloot

6. Mark Norton

5. David Caruso (w/ Sunglasses)

4. Gralynn Branham

3. Alf

2. Rosa Parks

1. A Jew

I write this with a somber, broken heart; once again I am forced to
write about death, going to as many schools as I did I unfortunatly
have lost too many that I have known. Just a few days ago SEAMEN
nation lost a follower. Brad Nicholson went to be with the Lord, I
never knew him personally but he was a fan of the blog.

I ask you to keep the Nicholson family in your prayers, especially
Mark, he has lost one of his best friends and his brother in just a
few short weeks.

I wish I had been able to know Brad, but now I am left with the only
option but to hope and pray that he has found eternal happiness with
the Lord.

New Poll

Who is the Hottest Briarwood Graduate to have a child?

The new poll is now open.

Audrey Moore- SEAMEN GOTW

LAS VEGAS - Sunday night, May 16, The Miss USA pageant was held at the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, Nevada. It should be mentioned that the Miss USA pageant is the one that's all about looks; Miss America is the significantly less popular pageant that focuses on finding girls with integrity, intelligence, talent, and good looks. Former Briarwood student and Spain Park graduate, Audrey Moore, represented the great state of Alabama in this year's pageant and as a result is named the Team SEAMEN Girl of the Week.

Moore's performance was admirable as she made it to the final ten contestants. She was given a plaque and the title "Most Photogenic" and from there her night ended faster than Conner Norton can eat a box of doughnuts. As the names of the top five contestants were called she was left on stage more alone than Mark Norton.

Audrey's list of boyfriends makes the Vietnam Wall look small. Team Seamen tried to reach Moore's ex-boyfriends for comments, we found one who would comment only on the condition of anonymity and said, "That competition was shit, and believe me I've seen some shit."

Audrey Moore is twenty years old and currently attends Auburn University, where she is a member of Pi Beta Phi sorority, studying communication disorders and other blonde defects.

Audrey Moore

SEAMEN Girl of the Week

Miss USA

Larry King - Miss USA Lingerie Pics Debate

Check out this debate from Larry King. This blonde chick is trying to act like Miss USA stands for something other than looks. She cant even speak clearly, this is a text book dumb blonde trying to sound smart.

Are the pictures too sexy? No.

Is Miss USA / Miss Universe all about looks? Absolutely

Poll Closed

Voting has closed for The Daily Seamen's first poll.

Mark Norton has been selected by SEAMEN Nation as the most annoying facebook user, with 23 votes (46%.)

Conner Norton finished second with 18 votes or 36 percent.

Thank you to the 49 people who voted, a special post dedicated to Mark Norton, The Most Annoying Facebook User, is coming soon.

Mark Norton, The Most Annoying Facebook User

Thomas Rivers Memorial

I was asked to write a memorial for Thomas Rivers. Death is not a subject to be taken lightly like most of the subjects on The Daily Seamen. I can think of no better way to honor his death than to post his honesty box conversation with Andy Entrekin. I post this for several reasons, I hate Andy Entrekin, but then again who doesn't hate him? I think that Thomas would enjoy an even greater readership of this conversation, and well its funny as hell.

Thomas Rivers: no one wants to hang out with you, so no one is gunna call

Andy Entrekin: ok. thanks. i had a great time w/ my friends haha...get a life dude for real.

Rivers: dont even have to make fun of you, look at your hair hahahahahahahaahahahaahah,

fag

Entrekin: ok well obviously ur a pussy n know that i can kick your ass. :-) bc u r scared to tell me your name...but what u didnt kno is that i kno is that my dad has worked w/ computers for 35yrs for the state n national government, and all your information will be viewable as soon as his precinct adviser says its ok. ttyl

Rivers: Fuck you fuck your dad, your a product of incest

Entrekin: ok well if u claim to be a man, bc u can tlk shit. lets meet up n solve your attitude like men. haha..or ill just come get u....surely ur not scared that i might fuck u up?? bc u tlk like a big man, but u have nothing to back it up...u really think ur all that dont u?
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha man up bitch

Rivers: well i guess i cant compete with you the haircut, the girls, the "friends", people see you coming and they are like " holyshit its andy hes the man!!!" its funny that you want to resolve this like men, yet you hang out with fags, your a loser but in my book your the man. you should just go ahead and and tell your parents you like man and get it over with, who knows, maybe your dad wiil join you

Entrekin: i told u ur no man!! u start shit u cant back up. haha get a fuckin life before some1 takes your away. i told u that u r scared of me haha. better be bitch. bc ill make sure ur not knocked out to fell me kickin your ass!! how aout this. lets meet up. u bring your cocky ass and ill bring mine. knuckles up and no cops. pick a place or i will.

Rivers: well if i let you pick the place you would probably pick some sort of gay bar or the truck stop where you suck off married men who haven't told their wifes about their problem, aka your mouth. you just keep talking tough and ill laugh at you and your existence and haircut, not to mention your built like a 12 year old girl. your a pusy hahahahahahahahahahaha sorry just laughing at the fact you said i better be scared, im surprised you arnt using ebonics you queer

Entrekin: listen you r getting yourself in deeper shit. just meet up with me now n quit running your mouth like a little bitch. u have no idea obviously who i am...this is funny. so pick a place then. im sure a smelly cunt like yourself can choose wisely so your face wont get cut by the pavement.
and i could be like,"ima pop a cap in yo ass"..but like i said, im just gonna kick your ass around a little bit..i might let u have a few free shots to make it more worth while. :-) whats your number n ill call u.

Rivers: your face looks really fat in that picture, you should probably change it, not to mention your sitting their trying to look all tough, which your obviously not, im surprised your not crying but at least your not bringing your homo-erotic father into it this time, by the way when is he gunna get my information? probably never. your gay

Entrekin: why r u changing the subject. come on pussy. bc thats what u r!! too scared u little bitch. come on!! what?? not all big and bad now that im not backin down huh??!! meet me fucker. ill give u a chance. i might tie one arm behind my back!! hahahahahaha
man!...to be as cool as you are....ahh what a dream....hahahahaha sorry, u got yourself into this shithole. so dig yourself out dick licker.

Rivers: thats not vayr christian of you andy, big words for a chubby little guy with no friends, i just insulted your family and thats the best you got? you are a blood belching vagina. no one is scared of you, your pathetic, tell your dad that i said hes a pussy too, just like his son!

Entrekin: well come on bitch. step up to the plate and prove your not a no balled, punk ass, pussy that u have made yourself look like!!! my dad could even kick your ass u fuck face.

Rivers: "GOD!!! My dream is that all my friends will just be in love with god and serve Him! ...thats the whole reason that we are here"...... this really shows in the way youve been talking, i like how tough you like to sound and your kick ass haircut. your a pussy and also your dad better get crackin on finding out who i am, i hope you and him get molested by black rapists, but yall would probably like that


Lance Cpl. Thomas Rivers Jr. will be laid to rest today. We will all miss him, we will always remember his service to our country, and how he always made us laugh.

Rest In Peace, Thomas

New Tim James Commercial

I hate black people.

They are the reason for our troubles.

As Governor I will remove them from the state.

Maybe its the racist in me,

but it makes sense to me.

Does it to you?

Tim James 2010

Common Sense

Facebook Abuse

The Daily Seamen's first interactive poll is available now.

WHO IS THE MOST ANNOYING FACEBOOK USER?

The winner, or in this case loser, will be featured in The Daily Seamen.

The Players- Tee Time

Ponte Vedre, FL - Tiger Woods is back at the event that bears his name, The Players. Woods has struggled in recent years at Sawgrass but looks to make a big statement this weekend in Florida. Tee times have been announced, Woods is paired with Hunter Mahan and Ian Poulter. Early word out of Ponte Vedre is that Poulter is still a douche-bag and still plans to wear obnoxious pants. The group will tee off from the #1 tee, on The Players-Stadium Course at 1:28EDT.

Woods at Tuesday's Press Conference

Letters to the Editor

Write the editors of Team Seamen, tell us your thoughts.

Praise, compliments, complaints, anything goes.

thedailyseamen@gmail.com

Let us know what you think.

Sean Connery, James Bond

Team Seamen hero Sean Connery.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FgMLROTqJ0

Alcohol & Food

BIRMINGHAM - CBS News ran a story a while back in their typical bull-sh*t, no-sh*t style. It appears some guy somewhere ran a study to determine if alcohol affects food choice- turns out it does. People who are under the influence are more likely to choose unhealthy foods. Apparently, it took a study to figure this out. I never would have known that without the report of CBS 42.
On a much more serious note, this is an ever-growing epidemic in Tuscaloosa. Girls get way too intoxicated and then go to Quick Grill or Taco Bell; That is unacceptable. The calories in messy fries are immeasurable. Go home and eat a salad. No one likes a fat chick, No one.

Mark Norton Status Update

Mark Norton yo yo yo I still can't believe that i just got back from a 5 hour long concert with Goo Goo Dolls as the featured artist

Seamen goes Golfing

Tuscaloosa, AL - Team Seamen left the apartment-based golf courses and ventured out to Hidden Meadows Golf Club, on Monday, April, 26. Restricted to the indoors for months due to the weather, Stephen and Jeff were looking forward to real golf. They were unsure of Hidden Meadows, but when they arrived they were relieved to see it at least playable. The price is phenomenal, students can play twilight with a cart for twenty dollars. Twilight starts at 2:30pm which leaves daylight for more than 18 holes. The course is decent but dangerous. Swamps and bogs are everywhere. Out of bounds at this course means your ball is more lost than Natalee Holloway. The greens are awful but the fairway is playable. Its not Augusta, but it is well worth $20 for all-you-can-play.

Jeff shot a 77, Stephen, 89. The team hopes to return to the links soon. In addition to playing golf, Stephen drove the cart in reverse from the 3rd hole all the way back to the clubhouse, an obvious feat of tremendous skill. Others were annoyed at the buzzing sound for close to a mile.

The Dark Side

Tuscaloosa, AL - On the evening of April 26, 2010, Team Seamen members went where no white men had been before, Shark's Fish & Chicken. The fried food eatery caters exclusively to the African-American community in Tuscaloosa, offering fried just about anything. Chicken Wings, Fingers, Livers, Gizzards, a variety of fried seafood, and fried vegetables. The employees avoided eye contact with Seamen members, Jeff and Stephen. Jeff commented as they were leaving, "That was more awkward than Rosa Parks sitting in the front of the bus." In many ways it was a more significant moment. Team Seamen went out into the world trying to explore new things, new civilizations; Rosa Parks was just lazy.

The food was good. Stephen and Jeff both ordered chicken fingers and fries. They both enjoyed the chicken and there was a lot of it. Easily twice as much food as a "Chicken Finger Plate - Large" at Zaxby's. Only $6.59 for the combo plus tax. Team Seamen was also able to discover that the reason black people are always walking on 10th avenue is to get from the projects to Shark's Fish & Chicken.

Derby Days

Its that time of year again, girls travel to the Sigma Chi house and hang posters, for what end Team Seamen does not know. Apparently oversized T-shirts were not trashy enough for the greek girls at the capstone, they have moved to tank tops and sports bras. The tank tops are adorned with neon type with their greek letters. Amongst the favorites are "Party with Pi Phi", "DZ [Picture of a Horse] Sigma Chi", and "Alpha Phi U of A." These girls who come to college to find a husband, somehow find it acceptable to dress in the least presentable way possible. Team Seamen is in the process of researching what the goal of Derby Days is, and how a "winner" is determined. Jeff Tapley of Team Seamen comments, "I think whoever sleeps with the most Sigma Chi's wins." However, facebook profile pictures, posters, and volleyball have something to do with it as well. On this Earth Day, remember to waste as much paper as possible in order to show your love for Sigma Chi.

Haiti Relief

The people of Haiti live in shacks, no indoor plumbing, and sustain themselves with cheap meals that would be insufficient to any American. That was before the earthquake, now buildings are being rebuilt better than ever, people are eating large satisfying meals, practicing dental hygiene, and are getting access to indoor plumbing. This is because the country was hit by a massive Earthquake, the country has eight fault lines. In 2009, the Gross Domestic Product of Haiti was slightly over seven billion dollars. To date, almost fifteen billion dollars have been given to Haiti relief. Twice what the country is worth has been given to help Haiti rebuild. People give so that they can feel better about themselves. No one cares about the impoverished here, the starving children in America. They are simply ignored. On the other hand, the earthquake in Haiti could not be ignored, at least for the first week or two, and the news media made sure of that. Two-thirds of the population survived on less than two dollars a day. This country was barely 3rd world before the earthquake. Now, they receive twice their worth in money and goods from the United States. The billions could help relieve pressure on the poor here in America, reduce high-school dropout rates, and most importantly reduce crime rates. No one cares about the little man in America, they can't brag about feeding little boys and girls in Ensley at Church, but give money to Haiti and your en route to becoming a deacon.

Bama Dogs

Team Seamen is a tremendous supporter of Bama Dogs, a new hot dog restaurant that has opened on the strip. The food is great, however not healthy, so women need to stay away. The prices are super low, a full meal for under five dollars.

Bama Dogs is located on 13th Avenue, across from Red Shed, it stays open late on weekends.

Men, support this new local business, and eat for less than anywhere else on the strip.

Women, enjoy a salad, with a fat free dressing, regular ranch is not good for the hips.

KA Cancels Old South

Kappa Alpha has cancelled the 2010 Old South Parade. First, some background information, KA was founded at Washington and Lee in 1865. In 1923, Robert E. Lee was established as the "Spiritual Founder" based on his ideals, chivalry, and overall southern gentleman qualities, traits that ALL men should value. Old South is a weeklong celebration of the ideals of the Old South, not slavery, but Christianity, chilvary, state's rights among others. The celebration includes a parade around campus, the men of Kappa Alpha dress in Confederate uniforms, and their dates wear hoop skirts. Last year, while picking up girls from their sorority houses, the trucks carrying the brothers coincidentally stopped for a short moment in front of the Alpha Kappa Alpha house, a black sorority. AKA was having a 35th anniversary celebration that day with almost thirty alumni present. The AKAs were outraged and over seventy alumni signed a petition to Dr. Robert Whitt, President of the University of Alabama, asking him to end the Old South Parade. The parade has gone since before Vivian Jones or James Hood ever came to the University, and now it has been cancelled. The AKAs say that KAs need to move on and see the progress that we have made since the civil war and stop being racist. It is in the view of Team Seamen that the KAs are not being racist, simply honoring the past, the history of the South. The AKAs are the racist that are unable to see that this is a celebration that represent the values of the Old South, they immediately assume its about slavery. The flag flying at the Kappa Alpha house does not stand for slavery, it stands for state's rights and fighting for what you believe.

SEAMEN on National Television

Tuscaloosa, AL - During the national broadcast of Alabama's A-Day game, SEAMEN member Stephen could be heard on the telecast. After Cade Foster's 27yd successful field goal, Stephen yelled at lead offical, Steve Shaw. "Steve, Steve" could clearly be heard on the national TV broadcast. When asked why he yelled so loudly at an official Stephen commented, "Steve [Shaw] is the best official in the SEC, its a shame he can't officiate a regular season game, he is a true inspiration for Team Seamen." Jeff and Stephen were ecstatic when Shaw acknowledged their support with a wave and a smile, Stephen said of the moment, "It was awesome to get a wave from Mr. Shaw, we try to be as loud as possible, as much as possible, and its great to get some recognition for our obnoxiousness."

The Masters Wrap Up

AUGUSTA, GA- Lee Westwood proves once again that British people suck. After a strong 54 holes, Westwood's game on Sunday looked worse than Ian Poulter's hair. After Tiger struggled on the first few holes, it was apparent that he could not pull off the four stroke comeback. After all, Tiger has never come back on a Sunday to win a major championship. And when Tiger 3 putted from six feet on the 14th green, all hopes were lost. The excitement turned to Phil Mickelson, who pleased the crowd all week with spectacular shots. His second shot from the trees on the par 5 13th to within 5 feet sealed the deal for Phil. Apparently, his wife Amy wasn't able to make it out all week except to see Phil's victory putt on the 18th. After a 27 second embrace and kiss shared between the couple, Tiger said "That's nothing."

Tiger Struggles, Lefty Dominates

AUGUSTA, Ga - Putting woes continued for Tiger Wood's on Saturday. He finished the day with a score of 70, two under par. He shot even par on the front nine before a four under back nine pushed him to 8 under for the tournament. Tiger shot 7 birdies and 5 bogeys. Missed mid-ranged putts left Tiger looking back on what could have been. Phil Mickelson shot a 5 under, 67, saturday, anchored by back-to-back eagles on 13 and 14. Lee Westwood leads the field going into Sunday after shooting 68 on saturday. He sits at 12 under, Mickelson is 11 under, Tiger Woods is 8 under par.

Tiger With a Strong Second Round

Tiger finished Friday's round with a 2 under par, 70, without the help from his wife, Elin. Elin, a woman, has not been there to support Tiger, her husband and confidant, and will be absent this weekend as well when Tiger takes home yet another green jacket. Tiger needs to tighten up his putter over the weekend. Yesterday, he had 31 putts, a departure from his 29 putt average. Today, he missed two birdie putts within 10 feet on the 16th and 17th hole. He will head into the weekend 6 under par and in strong position to dominate. Tiger is known for his strong perfomances on Saturdays at the Masters, known as "moving day", to put him into position for victory on Sunday.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#1 Jamie Jungers

The countdown has reached its conclusion, The Daily Seamen proudly announces Jamie Jungers as the #1 Hottest Mistress of Tiger Woods. Jungers also won Howard Stern's Beauty Pageant of Tiger Wood's Mistresses. The Daily Seamen will not be awarding a $75,000 grand prize. Jungers commented that Tiger Woods is at least nine inches long, confirming a story from Loredana Jolie, #3 in the countdown, that Tiger is "bigger and better" than Michael Jordan. Jungers claims that she slept with Woods the night his father, Earl Woods, rose to live with the eternal Father.

Jamie Jungers

The Daily Seamen's #1 Hottest Mistress of Tiger Woods

Greatest Commercial Ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTuk5Uloyjg

Masters Update

After teeing off at 1:42ET to thunderous applause, Tiger Woods goes
out 3 under. The current leaders are in with scores of 67, 5 under
par. Also noteworthy, some jackass with a plane flew a banner reading,
"Tiger, Did you mean bootyism."

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#2 Julie Postle

Little information has surfaced about The Daily Seamen's number two girl in the countdown of Tiger Wood's hottest mistresses. She is a 26 year old female who currently lives in Texas. She alledgly met Woods in 2004, at the age of 21, when she was working as a cocktail waitress, living in Orlando. Friday, The Daily Seamen announces number one.

Class of '08 Diploma Issues

Birmingham, AL - Breaking news out of Briarwood Christian School today, it appears there is an issue with some of the diplomas given to the class of 2008. The diplomas were supposed to contain a note with the friendly reminder, "Welcome to the Real World." Apparently many of the girls in the class have still yet to realize that they no longer live in the safety of the Briarwood World, better known as Briarworld. The fact that Fred Yancy is no longer present to prevent them from the issues of the world has not yet hit them. They have not yet realized that high school drama has no place in the actual, physical world. Dean of Students, Fred Yancy commented, "We have had this issue before, but never to this extent." Yancy later took personal responsibility, "I failed, the system failed, to inform these girls that it is time to grow up."

"...the system failed..."

Haley

The name Haley is a bad name. I don't have a problem with girls named Haley. Its a versatile name, just look at Gossett and Taylor, two girls at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. It just makes for an awkward situation when you want to say "hey" to a girl named Haley. "Hey, Haley" sounds weird, maybe it is just me but I don't like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Note: The spelling "Hailey" presents the same issue.

Taylor

Gossett

Prom Season

With April comes showers and proms. As prom season rapidly approaches so do parents attempts to keep their children from having fun. Across the country, guest speakers are preaching to students about the dangers of drinking, spreading horrors stories meant to keep kids from "sinning." Horror stories of teen pregnancies and drunk driving accidents. No one wants their kids to have fun these days. Drinking doesn't make young teens worse drivers, it probably helps; senior girls at Oak Mountain managed to all run into each-other on the way to school. Yes, approximately eight girls managed to all get into a wreck with one another, before school. Teenagers are historically worse drivers than drunk people, spring for some extra money parents and rent a limousine. Don't try to keep them from drinking, your efforts will be in vain. Don't tell them not to have sex, its prom night, thats what you are supposed to do, buy them some condoms, unless your catholic, and tell them to have fun and be safe. Prom is supposed to be fun, don't ruin it with curfews, or other strict guidelines. All of us are only young once, let them enjoy their youth.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#3 Holly Sampson

Number 3 in The Daily Seamen's countdown of Tiger Woods' hottest mistresses goes by many names. Born Holly Joy Sampson she has used the names Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Zoe, amongst others in a wide variety of adult film roles. She has stared in many hardcore movies, as well as many fetish movies, including her last film, Decent Into Bondage. Many of our readers will recognize her from her appearances in Thrills, Best Sex Ever, and Bedtime Stories. After learning of her measurements, 5'5", 110lbs, 34D-25-34, Elin Woods, a woman, commented, "She certainly is a lot more of a woman than myself." The Daily Seamen staff could only find one "appropriate" picture to display

SEAMEN: Swimming for the Community

Birmingham, AL - CBS affiliate WIAT 42 offended many in the community during the 4:30 episode of Jeopardy. A teaser for the local news at five stated, "No smoking, no conjugal visits, no orange jumpsuits: what prison will be like for Larry Langford." Team SEAMEN member and editor of The Daily Seamen, called the CBS 42 main line to stand up for the community. He voiced his outrage at the use of "conjugal visits" in a teaser in the middle of daytime programming. Speaking with The Daily Seamen after his call Stephen said, "It is outrageous that such risque wording was used, so early in the day." He continues, "if i wanted to hear such sinful words I would watch HBO." Team SEAMEN continues to swim for their community, protecting the Seamen Nation.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#4 Loredana Jolie

The countdown of Tiger Woods' top 5 hottest mistresses continues with number 4, Loredana Jolie. A New York based prostitute/model she was born in New York, where she now resides, however she spent her childhood in Italy. She has hinted that her and Tiger engaged in group sex.

Thursday Tee Time

AUGUSTA, GA - Tiger Woods will tee off at 1:42ET, Thursday.

Waste of Seamen

Gordon Hayward = Fail

Duke are National Champions

INDIANAPOLIS - The Duke Blue Devils won their fourth national championship Monday night by defeating the Butler Bulldogs. The game was close and exciting down to the final buzzer when Gordon Hayward missed a halfcourt shot that would have won the game. Just seconds before Hayward missed a ten footer jumper that would have given Butler the lead with just three seconds to play. Twice, Hayward had an opportunity to win the game, and in doing so become a national hero, the shot would be immortalized, instead he missed both shots, failing miserably and letting down his team, his school, his city, even his country. Butler was labled as "America's Team" simply because the average American had never heard of them and they were playing perennial powerhouse Duke. They were not the better team, they were not the better team in most of their games, terribly undeserving of even a trip to the Final Four. Duke fan and UA student Patrick Whitworth commented, "They are not the best team, everyone knows that, the system is flawed to even allow them into this game." The highlight of the game came when Gordon Hayward had a breakaway and was fouled by Lance Thomas and which somehow resulted in Hayward upside down, more proof he is a bitch and should probably invest some time in the weight room. Duke was victorious behind the play of their predominately white team, allowing them to out think and out hustle most of their opposition. Coach K does not allow big egos that exist so much in basketball and that is why he has won four national championships and an Olympic Gold Medal. The game was an instant classic, powerhouse Duke defeated under-dog Butler, and while the game had no "hero" it had a failure, Butler sophomore Gordon Hayward. 

Top Left: Duke players hoist the trophy in celebration.
Right: Gordon Hayward is upended by Lance Thomas.
Bottom Left: John Scheyer celebrates, Gordon Hayward cries after his shot fails to hit it's mark.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

TIGER WOODS IS A GOD DAMN AMERICAN HERO

Not only is he the greatest golfer to ever play, he also managed to jugle multiple women at the same time. It can be difficult to keep track of all of them for the casual Woods' fan. As the Master's approach this weekend The Daily SEAMEN has created a best-of list, a countdown of Tiger Woods' top 5 hottest mistresses.

5. Jamiee Grubbs

Grubbs is a cocktail waitress in a Las Vegas nightclub, she claims her and Woods had a thirty-one month affair, including sex on more than twenty occasions. She appeared on VH1's Tool Academy but is most notable for the girl that Woods' called and left that now infamous voice mail, "Hey, It's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor..."

Opening Day

America's pastime, baseball, returns to season tomorrow, April 5th. In the first game of the series the Boston Red Sox came from behind twice to defeat the defending world champions, New York Yankees. With the return of warm weather comes the return of hope to all baseball fans that this year will be better than last. Every team gets a fresh start, everyone starts undefeated, this will not last long for many teams, notibly the Pirates, Orioles, and Royals, regardless their fans still hope. This year, like every year, "experts" think it might just be the Cubs' year, it never is, it never will be, once again the Cubs will fall short. The Braves think they have a chance again in manager Bobby Cox's finally season at the helm. The Phillies, Cardnials, Red Sox, and Yankees look to dominate Major League Baseball once again.

Easter

Today millions across the world are waking up and putting on their Easter clothes, the best clothes in their wardrobe in order to show off, rather than give thanks that Jesus Christ died for their sins. In just one short week Tiger Woods will rise and after pissing pure excellence, don his famous red nike shirt. Woods will wipe the dirt off of his shoulders, walk onto the hallowed grounds at Augusta National Golf Club and retake his title as the world's greatest golfer. Since Thanksgiving his life has been ruined by his wife and the news media. Crucified in his own right for reaping the rewards of being the best. He deserved no punishment what so ever, instead in addition to having his personal life destroyed by the media, he lost hundreds of millions of dollars simply because his wife, Elin Woods, a woman, could not control her emotions, and forgot her place in this world.

One week remains until Tiger Woods can take his place atop the golfing world again, he came back after changing his swing, after his father passed away, after a arthroscopic knee surgery, and again after a total ACL repair; each time Woods returned from a long hiatus the media said that he would not be as good as before, however every time he came back better than before. This time will be no different, Tiger Woods will win the Masters and in doing so give one big "Fuck You" to the media, his wife, and everyone who ever doubted him.

Tiger Woods, God Damn American Hero

SEAMEN GOTW- Allie Johnson

The Daily SEAMEN, in conjunction with Team SEAMEN, starts a new weekly series, Seamen Girl of the Week. The team could think of no better girl to start our series with than Allie Johnson. Allie graduated from Briarwood Christian School in May of 2008. She has since moved on to Oxford, Mississippi where she is enrolled at the University of Mississippi, where she is a proud member of Chi Omega Sorority. Allie has never know love outside of her love for the Lord and her family, she once had a short fling with SEAMEN friend Daniel Wallace; Allie is currently on-again, off-again, with Taylor Sams, a Jew. Johnson could not be reached for comment.

Age: 19

Height: ~5'6"

Measurements: N/A

Interests: Nights in Homewood

Favorite Quote: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Star Jackson Returns to Practice

TUSCALOOSA, AL - Spring is in the air and the 2009 National Champions are back on the field for spring practice. The Crimson Tide started their regimine of spring practice on March 12th and will conclude with the annual A-Day game, April 17th. Reserve quarterback Star Jackson (2) missed the first three practices due to a suspension handed down by Coach Nick Saban. The suspension is due to poor academic performance from the once highly touted high school recruit. This seems to shock many people, a guy that can't learn the offense has a hard time understanding college classes. He came to the University and was already a father, its not like the is Vanderbilt University. This is one of the dumbest players on the football team, who is surprised that he failed some classes? Not me. The news media rejoiced on Wednesday when Star Jackson was cleared to return to practice. He is the fourth string quarterback, who cares. He lost his back-up job to a guy holding a redshirt. He was third string for the national championship, had Alabama starter Greg McElroy been unable to participate in the Rose Bowl, AJ McCarron (10) would have used an entire year of eligibility for only a portion of one game, the coaching staff has no confidence in Jackson. He will never play a meaningful down at the University of Alabama.

More on AJ McCarron next week in The Daily SEAMEN.

Grand Buffet

Team SEAMEN kicks off their month-long feeding trough tour March 26th, at the Grand Buffet, located in Tuscaloosa. The team was looking forward to the experience; the prospect of all-you-can-eat anything was appetizing to the hungry Seamen. They were surprised upon arriving that it looked more like a rundown electronic bingo casino than a restaurant. The inside was poorly and cheaply decorated, in a traditional chinese buffet style. The team was immediately struck by the massive amounts of food laid before them. Serving station after serving station filled with everything from traditional chinese food, to steak, fish, sushi, and even seafood. The other patrons in the establishment were, "Dicey, at best." said Reeves. An extremely diverse population within the restaurant, all sharing two common traits, they were poor and fat, enthralled with the possibility of chowing down on a massive feast.

We decided to start by loading our plates with non-chinese food, our thoughts were to postpone MSG intake as late as possible, allowing us to consume more. The American selection was vast, flank stake, porkchops, stuffed chicken, mac and cheese, and many, many more selections. I took a seat and immediately began eating. Neither Jeff or I were impressed with the American selections not really surprised tho. They were made in a cheap way and only to serve as mild substitutes for the real thing. Our expectations for the oriental food were much higher. The chinese dishes were truly below par, beef dishes were acceptable but the chicken dishes were hardly tolerable, the meat, if you can call it that, was disgusting, the texture indescribable. Jeff described the sesame chicken as, "the worst chicken I've had in my life." The hot and sour soup had reduced to the point is was very thick. Crab legs, often considered a delicacy, were far from that at the Grand Buffet. They rested in a pool of soupy, cloudy, water; the taste was not awful but not great. Most of the chinese food is best described as well below average. The American food is pretty much down right awful. The bright spot in the restaurant was certainly the sugar doughnuts. We refused to pay the requested donation and headed out, writing it off as a bad experience.

The Grand Buffet is a feeding trough, it is not good food but it is all-you-can-eat and offers massive variety. It can be moderately enjoyable but only if you are in the mood for it. The requested price is steep at ten dollars and not really worth it.

Grand Buffet

205.752.8998

4126 McFarland Boulevard East

Tuscaloosa, Al 35405

Price: $10 (requested)/person; Free

Value: Not worth paying

Food: D-

Atmosphere: D

Service: B-

Overall: D

Next week in The Daily SEAMEN, check out the team's review of City Buffet

The Masters

TUSCALOOSA, AL - Team SEAMEN announced late Thursday that The SEAMEN Times will be completely dedicated to the Masters, next weekend, April 8-11. Tiger Woods is an idol of both Jeff and Stephen and the teammates feel that it is their duty to dedicate their lives to following Woods at Augusta National. When asked why The SEAMEN Times would be dedicated exclusively to news on Tiger Woods, Stephen responded simply, "[h]e's a goddamn American hero."

Bike Rider Falls in Shame

It’s time for bike riders to stop terrorizing the campus walkways. Bikers seem to think that it’s okay for them to weave through dense pedestrian traffic at ridiculously high speeds. It’s not okay. It is, in fact, unecessary. Our state is currently the second fattest state, only behind Mississippi. Stop riding a bike and walk off the pounds. Sure, bikers are helping our planet by "going green," but thats all the more reason why I don't like them. More to come on that in a later article.

Bikers are a destructive force on our sidewalks. This is why it gives me so much pleasure to tell you this story. Coming out of Shelby Hall, I was walking with a group of about 20 to 30 people when a biker decided to test his weaving abilities through our crowd. As he passed by, narrowly avoiding arms, backpacks, and other extremities, the crowd immediately became angry at the biker. As the biker went off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, he hit a patch of sand and his bike was upended. The rider flew off and, not wearing a helmet, smashed his head upon the pavement. The contents of his folder that he was carrying was spread all over the pavement. No one did a thing. A professor walked by, but stayed his distance. Still angry from his narrow misses earlier, the crowd was in no mood to help the biker. The biker, no doubt embarrassed, slowly arose and drove off. He was bleeding profusely from his arm and ear.

A message to bikers on campus: No one respects a man on a 10-speed. Get off your high horse and walk.

Yes and No

TUSCALOOSA, AL - A staple of a good diet is a simple sandwich. Everyone knows to pass on traditional fast food and head to a healthy alternative such as Quiznos or Subway. This desire for healthy food was on display today in the food court of the Ferguson Center, the student union building located in the heart of the University of Alabama campus. An unidentified co-ed, potentially a sophomore or junior member of a greek organization, was approaching the Bama Dining cashier. In one hand this health conscious student held a sandwich from the Blimpie franchise in the food court; however, in the other hand she held a large order of fries from Chick-Fil-A. Apparently she missed the memo that french fries are not healthy, one good choice does not cancel out a bad choice. "Stupidity is not an excuse, neither is taste, a female should understand her is to be attractive," Team SEAMEN member Stephen commented on the matter, "eat healthy, exercise, tan, thats the holy trinity for college girls." A healthy lifestyle comes from making healthy choices, while a sandwich is typically a good decision, french fries are never acceptable for females desiring the attention of men.

Feeding Trough

Billions across the world hate Americans, primarily because of our excessiveness. Americans have huge houses, supermarkets, numerous entertainment possibilities, bulging bellies, huge restaurants, yet we still desire bigger and better. Chinese buffets, once a cheap, convenient, option for lunch or dinner, have become massive buffets with everything from Oriental to Mexican food. Everything is offered in mass, all-you-can-eat fashion. Throughout the spring, in the Lifestyle section of the SEAMEN Times, Jeff and Stephen will be touring the all-you-can-eat buffets of Tuscaloosa and reporting on our findings.

Spring Health Study

TUSCALOOSA, AL - The spring weather is upon us here in Tuscaloosa, with that means more opportunities to be outside and more importantly visits to the pool. With these lond-dormant freedoms comes a new wardrobe, a much more revealing wardrobe. That requires men and women to be much more fit, the fat that they were able to neglect, ignore, and hide over the previous few cold months is no longer acceptable. Everyone knows and aknowledges this fact, spring is the season for exercise and diet. The SEAMEN Times will take a definite interest in exercise and dieting habits over the coming months. In a new section, Health, debuting April 1st.

LL Bean

School supply shopping is always an important event that occurs every summer for school kids between four and eightteen, among the most important selection is that of a backpack. Throughout the early twenty-first century, LL Bean back packs were extremely popular, privileged kids were even able to have their initials monogramed on the backpack. These LL Bean products were super cool in 8th grade and due to their durability, acceptable throughout highschool. In 2010, the times have changed, college is not highschool, it is time to get rid of that monogrammed LL Bean backpack and move on to a big kid model. (Yes, pale, chubby, girl with cellulite walking across the quad today, I am talking to you.)

The Chinese Military

This is why China is not a part of NATO.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA968F33tco

Strong Men

TUSCALOOSA, AL - Low weight, high repetition workouts are noted for being better to tone muscle rather than fewer reps of a higher weight. Some people seem to take this idea to an extreme. Last week in the Aquatic Center on the campus of the University of Alabama, two young students were focusing on biceps, they took the idea of low weight, high rep to a whole new level, that or they are just really weak and unworthy of this University. University officials have launched a judicial investigation into the sharing of a bench by two men at the same time. The image provided, by University Recreation, shows the two alleged faggots in the background curling with eight pound dumbbells. In contrast, Team SEAMEN members do one hundred repetitions with twenty pound dumbbells.

Mark Norton

I don't like Mark Norton. I don't like how he updates his facebook status ten times a day. As a matter of fact, I don't like anyone who posts meaningless things as their status in attempt to make themselves look better. Mark Norton is a freshman at Auburn in the likes of English 102 and other extremely difficult 100 level courses. Every day, he complains what a terrible day it was because he had such "difficult" classes. "yeah english papers.... not fun" and "if english as a class died with no hope of resurrection, I'd be cool with that....." and "is reading a billion pages for history... Yay..." are just a few of the many worthless things he posts for us to read every day. I'm sorry, Mark, that you have such a strenuous and difficult class load in your 100 level courses. No one cares. Writing a 3 page argument paper about a chapter of a book must really suck. When you get out of your 8th grade level classes, then you can complain. His friend writes "yea that test was ridiculous." Really? Yea that english test must have been awful. Which leads me to my next point. I despise anyone who writes about how difficult their test was. No one cares. Go take a two and half hour organic chemistry test then try to complain about your "impossible" 100 level courses.

Mark Norton continues to show his ignorance. "can't wait till America wakes up and kicks Barak "Insane" Obama out of office... Good Lord he is such an anti-patriot who supports passing a bill unconstitutionally...." I don't even know where to start with this one. First off, he spelled our president's name wrong. Second, the bill was not passed unconstitutionally. Third, he, like 98% of all other Alabamians, has absolutely no clue what the bill is about. He is merely satisfying the social demands made by his peers. Certainly, I am not an advocate of this bill, but at least I know what the bill's implications are. Understand the bill (and the constitution...oh wait you have to go back to the fourth grade for that one. But I understand, I know how difficult that grade must have been for you) before you make an ignorant comment about it.

It's not over yet. Mark Norton is obsessed with himself; a narcissistic fool perhaps. "Just landed an epic jump down a vast staircase on a bike in front of like a 50 person tour group" Good job, Mark. We're proud of you. After he completes his impossible course load for the day, he goes home and "jams." He writes "is avoiding an english paper by playing drums... O yeah!" Whoop-de-freakin-doo Mark. You can play the drums. No one cares. He also uses the phrase "boom son." For example, he writes, "has got himself some Medicine Man drums!! Boom Son!!" and "Mario Fannin just played my cajon.... BOOM SON!!!" Enough said.

In conclusion, Mark Norton, stop. No one cares about your awful 100 level courses, your amazing drumming abilities, or your complete lack of knowledge about the world.

Pope Disappointed in Today's Game

VATICAN CITY- In light of the recent sex abuse scandals, the Catholic Church looked to rebuild her tattered image through a game of 2 on 2 basketball between their separated brethren, the Protestants. A few years back, the Catholics, comprised of Mark L. and Team Seamen member Jeff, defeated the Protestants, Andrew W. and Team Seamen member Stephen in a gruesome battle. The Pope called it the "greatest victory for the Church since the Inquisition."

Much of the Christian world was looking forward to today's anticipated rematch. Unforunately, one of the Protestant teammates was hungover from immoral activity the previous night. The Pope was astonished at the amount of alcoholic intake. "I've never seen anything like it," he said, "and I'm Catholic."

The game has been tentatively rescheduled for next week.

The Global Recognition of Team Seamen.

http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1269325914359RA54

Spring Break

Spring Break was uneventful for both Jeff and myself. We didn't do much. Watched Up in the Air at honorary SEAMEN member Adam Smith's residence. That might have been the highlight of the week. Got some solid workouts in back at the old Y. Overall it was a boring week. Im glad to be back in Tuscaloosa.

-Reeves

SGA Elections

Today on myBama.ua.edu elections were held to determine officers of the SGA for the 2010-11 school year. It is again a case of greeks vs. GDIs.

I voted for Steven Oliver last year, I do not know a single thing that he did for the University all year.

From my viewpoint it is just a campus wide vote to see who will get a free trip to Glendale. I voted for Mark Ingram, he did more for the University this year than all the presidents combined.

The YMCA Connection

Team SEAMEN got its start at the YMCA and as a way to pay respect Jeff and I comprised a list of all the people that impacted us at that fine institution.

Olan Hyde- 80 years old, teaches racquetball lessons, and we kicked his ass. The first opponent of Team Seamen.

Bob- Fat Racquetball player he didn't stand much of a chance

Abby Richburg- The original front desk girl, always did a great job

Maggie Anderson- Heyyyy

Landry Venable- Without you what daycare worker would we yell at? Marshall?

Ruby- For never, ever doing anything

Greg- Showing us the importance of managing estrogen levels

Shane Harmon- Showing us how not to bench press

Doc Crandall- The sunglasses need to go

Andrew Brower- Doing more cardio than anyone I know, while not losing any weight

Chop the Chink- The only respectable asian at the Y

Ryan Dempsey- For showing us it is possible to go too far

Silver-Haired Man w/ Neon Wife Beaters- Rack the weights yourself, Jackass!

Mr. Green- It is time to hang it up, thanks for paying for your wifes tits tho

Brooks- for talking to yourself more than Nicholas Cage

Romeo- For having no purpose in life

Mallory Mckenzie- For giving us motivation to go every single day, in the hope it would be the one day every few months you would be there.

Sarah Mcdurmott- Always great to see her there as well.

Adam Smith- Back when he was still doing weight training, he was quite the workout partner.

Steve Tucker- For showing us the importance of Cardio

Andrew Whitaker- "What you working today?" "Arms"

Daniel Wallace- Thanks for showing up every now and then

Forrest Hunley aka "The Stash"- Without a doubt he is Team SEAMEN's arch enemy.

The biggest douche bag in the history of the world. Haven't seen him in a while but I'm sure he still hasn't worked legs.

A New Blog

I have just set up this blog. It will be the primary source for information about Team SEAMEN.

Stephen and Jeff will provide consistent updates on the status of the Team and its ongoing mission, to become better men.