Top Ten- Better Than Roy Moore

There is a problem in Alabama- it is Roy Moore. He is currently running in the Republican Primary on the platform of Jesus.

Team Seamen has compiled a list of the Top 10 people we would rather have as Governor than Roy Moore.

10. Kim Jong Ill

9. Andrew Whitaker

8. George W. Bush

7. Joran Van Der Sloot

6. Mark Norton

5. David Caruso (w/ Sunglasses)

4. Gralynn Branham

3. Alf

2. Rosa Parks

1. A Jew

Derby Days

Its that time of year again, girls travel to the Sigma Chi house and hang posters, for what end Team Seamen does not know. Apparently oversized T-shirts were not trashy enough for the greek girls at the capstone, they have moved to tank tops and sports bras. The tank tops are adorned with neon type with their greek letters. Amongst the favorites are "Party with Pi Phi", "DZ [Picture of a Horse] Sigma Chi", and "Alpha Phi U of A." These girls who come to college to find a husband, somehow find it acceptable to dress in the least presentable way possible. Team Seamen is in the process of researching what the goal of Derby Days is, and how a "winner" is determined. Jeff Tapley of Team Seamen comments, "I think whoever sleeps with the most Sigma Chi's wins." However, facebook profile pictures, posters, and volleyball have something to do with it as well. On this Earth Day, remember to waste as much paper as possible in order to show your love for Sigma Chi.

Haiti Relief

The people of Haiti live in shacks, no indoor plumbing, and sustain themselves with cheap meals that would be insufficient to any American. That was before the earthquake, now buildings are being rebuilt better than ever, people are eating large satisfying meals, practicing dental hygiene, and are getting access to indoor plumbing. This is because the country was hit by a massive Earthquake, the country has eight fault lines. In 2009, the Gross Domestic Product of Haiti was slightly over seven billion dollars. To date, almost fifteen billion dollars have been given to Haiti relief. Twice what the country is worth has been given to help Haiti rebuild. People give so that they can feel better about themselves. No one cares about the impoverished here, the starving children in America. They are simply ignored. On the other hand, the earthquake in Haiti could not be ignored, at least for the first week or two, and the news media made sure of that. Two-thirds of the population survived on less than two dollars a day. This country was barely 3rd world before the earthquake. Now, they receive twice their worth in money and goods from the United States. The billions could help relieve pressure on the poor here in America, reduce high-school dropout rates, and most importantly reduce crime rates. No one cares about the little man in America, they can't brag about feeding little boys and girls in Ensley at Church, but give money to Haiti and your en route to becoming a deacon.

KA Cancels Old South

Kappa Alpha has cancelled the 2010 Old South Parade. First, some background information, KA was founded at Washington and Lee in 1865. In 1923, Robert E. Lee was established as the "Spiritual Founder" based on his ideals, chivalry, and overall southern gentleman qualities, traits that ALL men should value. Old South is a weeklong celebration of the ideals of the Old South, not slavery, but Christianity, chilvary, state's rights among others. The celebration includes a parade around campus, the men of Kappa Alpha dress in Confederate uniforms, and their dates wear hoop skirts. Last year, while picking up girls from their sorority houses, the trucks carrying the brothers coincidentally stopped for a short moment in front of the Alpha Kappa Alpha house, a black sorority. AKA was having a 35th anniversary celebration that day with almost thirty alumni present. The AKAs were outraged and over seventy alumni signed a petition to Dr. Robert Whitt, President of the University of Alabama, asking him to end the Old South Parade. The parade has gone since before Vivian Jones or James Hood ever came to the University, and now it has been cancelled. The AKAs say that KAs need to move on and see the progress that we have made since the civil war and stop being racist. It is in the view of Team Seamen that the KAs are not being racist, simply honoring the past, the history of the South. The AKAs are the racist that are unable to see that this is a celebration that represent the values of the Old South, they immediately assume its about slavery. The flag flying at the Kappa Alpha house does not stand for slavery, it stands for state's rights and fighting for what you believe.

Haley

The name Haley is a bad name. I don't have a problem with girls named Haley. Its a versatile name, just look at Gossett and Taylor, two girls at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. It just makes for an awkward situation when you want to say "hey" to a girl named Haley. "Hey, Haley" sounds weird, maybe it is just me but I don't like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Note: The spelling "Hailey" presents the same issue.

Taylor

Gossett

Easter

Today millions across the world are waking up and putting on their Easter clothes, the best clothes in their wardrobe in order to show off, rather than give thanks that Jesus Christ died for their sins. In just one short week Tiger Woods will rise and after pissing pure excellence, don his famous red nike shirt. Woods will wipe the dirt off of his shoulders, walk onto the hallowed grounds at Augusta National Golf Club and retake his title as the world's greatest golfer. Since Thanksgiving his life has been ruined by his wife and the news media. Crucified in his own right for reaping the rewards of being the best. He deserved no punishment what so ever, instead in addition to having his personal life destroyed by the media, he lost hundreds of millions of dollars simply because his wife, Elin Woods, a woman, could not control her emotions, and forgot her place in this world.

One week remains until Tiger Woods can take his place atop the golfing world again, he came back after changing his swing, after his father passed away, after a arthroscopic knee surgery, and again after a total ACL repair; each time Woods returned from a long hiatus the media said that he would not be as good as before, however every time he came back better than before. This time will be no different, Tiger Woods will win the Masters and in doing so give one big "Fuck You" to the media, his wife, and everyone who ever doubted him.

Tiger Woods, God Damn American Hero

Bike Rider Falls in Shame

It’s time for bike riders to stop terrorizing the campus walkways. Bikers seem to think that it’s okay for them to weave through dense pedestrian traffic at ridiculously high speeds. It’s not okay. It is, in fact, unecessary. Our state is currently the second fattest state, only behind Mississippi. Stop riding a bike and walk off the pounds. Sure, bikers are helping our planet by "going green," but thats all the more reason why I don't like them. More to come on that in a later article.

Bikers are a destructive force on our sidewalks. This is why it gives me so much pleasure to tell you this story. Coming out of Shelby Hall, I was walking with a group of about 20 to 30 people when a biker decided to test his weaving abilities through our crowd. As he passed by, narrowly avoiding arms, backpacks, and other extremities, the crowd immediately became angry at the biker. As the biker went off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, he hit a patch of sand and his bike was upended. The rider flew off and, not wearing a helmet, smashed his head upon the pavement. The contents of his folder that he was carrying was spread all over the pavement. No one did a thing. A professor walked by, but stayed his distance. Still angry from his narrow misses earlier, the crowd was in no mood to help the biker. The biker, no doubt embarrassed, slowly arose and drove off. He was bleeding profusely from his arm and ear.

A message to bikers on campus: No one respects a man on a 10-speed. Get off your high horse and walk.

Mark Norton

I don't like Mark Norton. I don't like how he updates his facebook status ten times a day. As a matter of fact, I don't like anyone who posts meaningless things as their status in attempt to make themselves look better. Mark Norton is a freshman at Auburn in the likes of English 102 and other extremely difficult 100 level courses. Every day, he complains what a terrible day it was because he had such "difficult" classes. "yeah english papers.... not fun" and "if english as a class died with no hope of resurrection, I'd be cool with that....." and "is reading a billion pages for history... Yay..." are just a few of the many worthless things he posts for us to read every day. I'm sorry, Mark, that you have such a strenuous and difficult class load in your 100 level courses. No one cares. Writing a 3 page argument paper about a chapter of a book must really suck. When you get out of your 8th grade level classes, then you can complain. His friend writes "yea that test was ridiculous." Really? Yea that english test must have been awful. Which leads me to my next point. I despise anyone who writes about how difficult their test was. No one cares. Go take a two and half hour organic chemistry test then try to complain about your "impossible" 100 level courses.

Mark Norton continues to show his ignorance. "can't wait till America wakes up and kicks Barak "Insane" Obama out of office... Good Lord he is such an anti-patriot who supports passing a bill unconstitutionally...." I don't even know where to start with this one. First off, he spelled our president's name wrong. Second, the bill was not passed unconstitutionally. Third, he, like 98% of all other Alabamians, has absolutely no clue what the bill is about. He is merely satisfying the social demands made by his peers. Certainly, I am not an advocate of this bill, but at least I know what the bill's implications are. Understand the bill (and the constitution...oh wait you have to go back to the fourth grade for that one. But I understand, I know how difficult that grade must have been for you) before you make an ignorant comment about it.

It's not over yet. Mark Norton is obsessed with himself; a narcissistic fool perhaps. "Just landed an epic jump down a vast staircase on a bike in front of like a 50 person tour group" Good job, Mark. We're proud of you. After he completes his impossible course load for the day, he goes home and "jams." He writes "is avoiding an english paper by playing drums... O yeah!" Whoop-de-freakin-doo Mark. You can play the drums. No one cares. He also uses the phrase "boom son." For example, he writes, "has got himself some Medicine Man drums!! Boom Son!!" and "Mario Fannin just played my cajon.... BOOM SON!!!" Enough said.

In conclusion, Mark Norton, stop. No one cares about your awful 100 level courses, your amazing drumming abilities, or your complete lack of knowledge about the world.

SGA Elections

Today on myBama.ua.edu elections were held to determine officers of the SGA for the 2010-11 school year. It is again a case of greeks vs. GDIs.

I voted for Steven Oliver last year, I do not know a single thing that he did for the University all year.

From my viewpoint it is just a campus wide vote to see who will get a free trip to Glendale. I voted for Mark Ingram, he did more for the University this year than all the presidents combined.

The YMCA Connection

Team SEAMEN got its start at the YMCA and as a way to pay respect Jeff and I comprised a list of all the people that impacted us at that fine institution.

Olan Hyde- 80 years old, teaches racquetball lessons, and we kicked his ass. The first opponent of Team Seamen.

Bob- Fat Racquetball player he didn't stand much of a chance

Abby Richburg- The original front desk girl, always did a great job

Maggie Anderson- Heyyyy

Landry Venable- Without you what daycare worker would we yell at? Marshall?

Ruby- For never, ever doing anything

Greg- Showing us the importance of managing estrogen levels

Shane Harmon- Showing us how not to bench press

Doc Crandall- The sunglasses need to go

Andrew Brower- Doing more cardio than anyone I know, while not losing any weight

Chop the Chink- The only respectable asian at the Y

Ryan Dempsey- For showing us it is possible to go too far

Silver-Haired Man w/ Neon Wife Beaters- Rack the weights yourself, Jackass!

Mr. Green- It is time to hang it up, thanks for paying for your wifes tits tho

Brooks- for talking to yourself more than Nicholas Cage

Romeo- For having no purpose in life

Mallory Mckenzie- For giving us motivation to go every single day, in the hope it would be the one day every few months you would be there.

Sarah Mcdurmott- Always great to see her there as well.

Adam Smith- Back when he was still doing weight training, he was quite the workout partner.

Steve Tucker- For showing us the importance of Cardio

Andrew Whitaker- "What you working today?" "Arms"

Daniel Wallace- Thanks for showing up every now and then

Forrest Hunley aka "The Stash"- Without a doubt he is Team SEAMEN's arch enemy.

The biggest douche bag in the history of the world. Haven't seen him in a while but I'm sure he still hasn't worked legs.