The Masters Wrap Up

AUGUSTA, GA- Lee Westwood proves once again that British people suck. After a strong 54 holes, Westwood's game on Sunday looked worse than Ian Poulter's hair. After Tiger struggled on the first few holes, it was apparent that he could not pull off the four stroke comeback. After all, Tiger has never come back on a Sunday to win a major championship. And when Tiger 3 putted from six feet on the 14th green, all hopes were lost. The excitement turned to Phil Mickelson, who pleased the crowd all week with spectacular shots. His second shot from the trees on the par 5 13th to within 5 feet sealed the deal for Phil. Apparently, his wife Amy wasn't able to make it out all week except to see Phil's victory putt on the 18th. After a 27 second embrace and kiss shared between the couple, Tiger said "That's nothing."

Tiger Struggles, Lefty Dominates

AUGUSTA, Ga - Putting woes continued for Tiger Wood's on Saturday. He finished the day with a score of 70, two under par. He shot even par on the front nine before a four under back nine pushed him to 8 under for the tournament. Tiger shot 7 birdies and 5 bogeys. Missed mid-ranged putts left Tiger looking back on what could have been. Phil Mickelson shot a 5 under, 67, saturday, anchored by back-to-back eagles on 13 and 14. Lee Westwood leads the field going into Sunday after shooting 68 on saturday. He sits at 12 under, Mickelson is 11 under, Tiger Woods is 8 under par.

Tiger With a Strong Second Round

Tiger finished Friday's round with a 2 under par, 70, without the help from his wife, Elin. Elin, a woman, has not been there to support Tiger, her husband and confidant, and will be absent this weekend as well when Tiger takes home yet another green jacket. Tiger needs to tighten up his putter over the weekend. Yesterday, he had 31 putts, a departure from his 29 putt average. Today, he missed two birdie putts within 10 feet on the 16th and 17th hole. He will head into the weekend 6 under par and in strong position to dominate. Tiger is known for his strong perfomances on Saturdays at the Masters, known as "moving day", to put him into position for victory on Sunday.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#3 Holly Sampson

Number 3 in The Daily Seamen's countdown of Tiger Woods' hottest mistresses goes by many names. Born Holly Joy Sampson she has used the names Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Zoe, amongst others in a wide variety of adult film roles. She has stared in many hardcore movies, as well as many fetish movies, including her last film, Decent Into Bondage. Many of our readers will recognize her from her appearances in Thrills, Best Sex Ever, and Bedtime Stories. After learning of her measurements, 5'5", 110lbs, 34D-25-34, Elin Woods, a woman, commented, "She certainly is a lot more of a woman than myself." The Daily Seamen staff could only find one "appropriate" picture to display

Woods' Mistress Countdown

#4 Loredana Jolie

The countdown of Tiger Woods' top 5 hottest mistresses continues with number 4, Loredana Jolie. A New York based prostitute/model she was born in New York, where she now resides, however she spent her childhood in Italy. She has hinted that her and Tiger engaged in group sex.

Waste of Seamen

Gordon Hayward = Fail

Duke are National Champions

INDIANAPOLIS - The Duke Blue Devils won their fourth national championship Monday night by defeating the Butler Bulldogs. The game was close and exciting down to the final buzzer when Gordon Hayward missed a halfcourt shot that would have won the game. Just seconds before Hayward missed a ten footer jumper that would have given Butler the lead with just three seconds to play. Twice, Hayward had an opportunity to win the game, and in doing so become a national hero, the shot would be immortalized, instead he missed both shots, failing miserably and letting down his team, his school, his city, even his country. Butler was labled as "America's Team" simply because the average American had never heard of them and they were playing perennial powerhouse Duke. They were not the better team, they were not the better team in most of their games, terribly undeserving of even a trip to the Final Four. Duke fan and UA student Patrick Whitworth commented, "They are not the best team, everyone knows that, the system is flawed to even allow them into this game." The highlight of the game came when Gordon Hayward had a breakaway and was fouled by Lance Thomas and which somehow resulted in Hayward upside down, more proof he is a bitch and should probably invest some time in the weight room. Duke was victorious behind the play of their predominately white team, allowing them to out think and out hustle most of their opposition. Coach K does not allow big egos that exist so much in basketball and that is why he has won four national championships and an Olympic Gold Medal. The game was an instant classic, powerhouse Duke defeated under-dog Butler, and while the game had no "hero" it had a failure, Butler sophomore Gordon Hayward. 

Top Left: Duke players hoist the trophy in celebration.
Right: Gordon Hayward is upended by Lance Thomas.
Bottom Left: John Scheyer celebrates, Gordon Hayward cries after his shot fails to hit it's mark.

Woods' Mistress Countdown

TIGER WOODS IS A GOD DAMN AMERICAN HERO

Not only is he the greatest golfer to ever play, he also managed to jugle multiple women at the same time. It can be difficult to keep track of all of them for the casual Woods' fan. As the Master's approach this weekend The Daily SEAMEN has created a best-of list, a countdown of Tiger Woods' top 5 hottest mistresses.

5. Jamiee Grubbs

Grubbs is a cocktail waitress in a Las Vegas nightclub, she claims her and Woods had a thirty-one month affair, including sex on more than twenty occasions. She appeared on VH1's Tool Academy but is most notable for the girl that Woods' called and left that now infamous voice mail, "Hey, It's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor..."

Opening Day

America's pastime, baseball, returns to season tomorrow, April 5th. In the first game of the series the Boston Red Sox came from behind twice to defeat the defending world champions, New York Yankees. With the return of warm weather comes the return of hope to all baseball fans that this year will be better than last. Every team gets a fresh start, everyone starts undefeated, this will not last long for many teams, notibly the Pirates, Orioles, and Royals, regardless their fans still hope. This year, like every year, "experts" think it might just be the Cubs' year, it never is, it never will be, once again the Cubs will fall short. The Braves think they have a chance again in manager Bobby Cox's finally season at the helm. The Phillies, Cardnials, Red Sox, and Yankees look to dominate Major League Baseball once again.

Easter

Today millions across the world are waking up and putting on their Easter clothes, the best clothes in their wardrobe in order to show off, rather than give thanks that Jesus Christ died for their sins. In just one short week Tiger Woods will rise and after pissing pure excellence, don his famous red nike shirt. Woods will wipe the dirt off of his shoulders, walk onto the hallowed grounds at Augusta National Golf Club and retake his title as the world's greatest golfer. Since Thanksgiving his life has been ruined by his wife and the news media. Crucified in his own right for reaping the rewards of being the best. He deserved no punishment what so ever, instead in addition to having his personal life destroyed by the media, he lost hundreds of millions of dollars simply because his wife, Elin Woods, a woman, could not control her emotions, and forgot her place in this world.

One week remains until Tiger Woods can take his place atop the golfing world again, he came back after changing his swing, after his father passed away, after a arthroscopic knee surgery, and again after a total ACL repair; each time Woods returned from a long hiatus the media said that he would not be as good as before, however every time he came back better than before. This time will be no different, Tiger Woods will win the Masters and in doing so give one big "Fuck You" to the media, his wife, and everyone who ever doubted him.

Tiger Woods, God Damn American Hero

Star Jackson Returns to Practice

TUSCALOOSA, AL - Spring is in the air and the 2009 National Champions are back on the field for spring practice. The Crimson Tide started their regimine of spring practice on March 12th and will conclude with the annual A-Day game, April 17th. Reserve quarterback Star Jackson (2) missed the first three practices due to a suspension handed down by Coach Nick Saban. The suspension is due to poor academic performance from the once highly touted high school recruit. This seems to shock many people, a guy that can't learn the offense has a hard time understanding college classes. He came to the University and was already a father, its not like the is Vanderbilt University. This is one of the dumbest players on the football team, who is surprised that he failed some classes? Not me. The news media rejoiced on Wednesday when Star Jackson was cleared to return to practice. He is the fourth string quarterback, who cares. He lost his back-up job to a guy holding a redshirt. He was third string for the national championship, had Alabama starter Greg McElroy been unable to participate in the Rose Bowl, AJ McCarron (10) would have used an entire year of eligibility for only a portion of one game, the coaching staff has no confidence in Jackson. He will never play a meaningful down at the University of Alabama.

More on AJ McCarron next week in The Daily SEAMEN.

Pope Disappointed in Today's Game

VATICAN CITY- In light of the recent sex abuse scandals, the Catholic Church looked to rebuild her tattered image through a game of 2 on 2 basketball between their separated brethren, the Protestants. A few years back, the Catholics, comprised of Mark L. and Team Seamen member Jeff, defeated the Protestants, Andrew W. and Team Seamen member Stephen in a gruesome battle. The Pope called it the "greatest victory for the Church since the Inquisition."

Much of the Christian world was looking forward to today's anticipated rematch. Unforunately, one of the Protestant teammates was hungover from immoral activity the previous night. The Pope was astonished at the amount of alcoholic intake. "I've never seen anything like it," he said, "and I'm Catholic."

The game has been tentatively rescheduled for next week.